I'D BE FINE BEING HOMELESS IF I WAS WITH YOU

This  post is going to be heartfelt, so get your cringe faces on. 

The jarring city noise is far away now, and although I was fascinated by Bangkok and Phnom Penh, I breath a great sigh of relief each morning when I wake up in front of a secluded beach, looking at multi shades of blue and at the lushest green trees I have ever seen. I'm also extra grateful for this view because of the journey that I took to get here, which I'm more than happy to share with if you feel you want to know about it. I met up with Mathilde, a tropical cyclone of a woman that I met a few months back in the first phase of my journey. We found very similar ground underneath us and have walked similar  paths, she is beautiful, independant, poweful, funny, intelligent like einstein and her dress sense is fantastic. We enjoyed vibing with each other so we figured we would make our way to Koh pha-gan (เกาะพะงัน), a number one destination for travelers in Thailand, now that I am here, I can see why people flock from all over to spend their precious time and money experiencing this magical place. We chose to do this together to explore a new friendship and do some research for a seed we planted in Chiang Dao (เชียงดาว), a creative super sonic experimental seed. Neither of us wanted this journey to be easy, we have both left our homes in search of something  deep, something raw. We found that within each other and through the patterns we experienced during our travel. 

When we reunited in Bangkok we both agreed we wouldn't be taking the plane and wanted to shake things up a bit, we discussed the train, which takes 9 - 12 hours direct but if you don't book in advance, the only seats left are the third class plastic seats, which for someone who moves around a lot and can feel suffocated easily, this is a big no, my stress levels went through the roof coming from Chiang Mai to Bangkok last time. SO, flying we agreed was boring and we we also hesitated on the train decision, which finally brought us to our final shot, hitchhiking. Hitchhiking is not so common in Thailand, but its incredibly safe, so we thought if we are ever going to do it, it needs to be now. Doing so from Bangkok proved to be a challenge, the roads are so busy, and we were very unlikely to be picked up since there's so many roads weaving in and around the city. We pondered for a couple of days and both of us were so already mentally exhausted from the the weeks before that we went into some kind of hyped manic episode together where we barely slept for two days, the mixture of excitement and the confusion about how we would go about the route, sent us both into an electric frenzy. We buzzed  around the city for a while and tried to keep each other motivated for the journey that loomed before us. The daylight finally came around and we hadn't slept so we left at five in the morning and got a taxi to what we thought was the highway to Surat Thani which is located on the gulf of thailand. there isn't many attractions there and it's mainly used by tourists to go to and from the islands. It does have a seaport though, which deals with mainly rubber and coconuts. Boring.

We arrived at the road and the reality of having had no sleep began to really set in for me, I was feeling rough, and had a gut feeling we were on the complete wrong road, which was later confirmed by 3 or 4 different men trying to tell us in Thai that it was indeed, not the right road. Mathilde, being her strong headed self insisted it was right while I scrunched my face and insisted the opposite. We have crashed into eachother a couple times whilst navigating how our personalities intertwine, yet these crashes are minor and we both know how to smoothen things out once we've understood each others point.  Eventually we dragged ourselves with all of our belongings 20 minutes up the road where saw a large boat sculpture on the roundabout, this signalled to us that we needed to stay there and hope someone would pick us up. We waited for a while and I learnt that since hitchiking isn't common in Thailand, locals will be worried about you and try to point you in the direction of a bus or try to give you money. They genuinely cant understand how a westener, who can usually afford to buy a whole bus, wouldn't be able to take a ticket the same way they do. We waited for a whole 10 minutes before a comfortable looking air-conditioned bus rolled up and explained to us that we could take that bus 4 hours in the directon of Pratchaburi, which then was another 4 or 5 hours to Surat Thani. We looked at eachother in horror and realised we would probably fade away to dust in the afternoon sun if we stayed there.... yeah, we got on that bus and passed out. The scenery got more and more beautiful as we drove and the cool air was a blessing to my skin, I can handle the heat when I've had proper rest but like this it was unbearable. I started to feel at ease and despite the unidentified throbbing pain in my bones, everything started to feel okay again. Once the bus came to a stop at the station, we decided we would hitchhike the rest of the way, we smoked a cigarette then contemplated our decisions for a while before we got onto the road. We took it in turns to flap about and after about 20 minutes, a very kind looking man pulled over and told us he would take us to chumpon, a place I'd never heard of but it was on the way so c'est la vie.  The man literally spent the whole drive calling every family member and friend in his contact list through facetime to show them the foreigners he had collected.  It was so funny. He was a very kind man, and even though he barely spoke English, we managed to connect in some way and I realized that  these are moments you can only experience when you take an unconventional route, I've got much fonder memories of the journey here than any train or standard mode of transport I've taken. After 3 hours, he left us at the saddest looking gas station I've ever been to, It was raining, grey and storming so the journey ahead was looking dire and we still had about 5 hours to go. Even in those dry moments, being with Mathilde lifts my spirits in a unique way, that's the point I want to share. It's been quite a while since I crossed paths with someone I can bare my raw, open soul to and feel completely understood, our friendship is special and of high value, it's not something to be ignored. She is an art of her own, someone incomprehensible to the average man, a master of her world and a very very unique blueprint on this earth. We took our time, but once we saw eachother truly, our hearts opened and I think both of us felt less alone.  So, after our snack at the dejected 7/11 we carried on flaying our arms about on the highway for about an hour until a truck pulled over and offered to take us to our final destination, and once I got in the car, the movie final destination began screening in my head because I had a little bit of an uneasy feeling in my gut, I communicated this to Mathilde and she agreed. The guys seemed friendly enough, not vicious or sinister in the slightest, but the driver just seemed a bit off. Now I know you will probably be reading this and shaking your head at me for putting myself in a dangerous situation and I don't disagree with your judgements at all. 

After a 15 hour journey on the road, we eventually came to sto near Don sak pier, and in the midst of thanking our very thoughtful  driver, and thoughtful he was, the man turns his face on us and tells us we need to pay 2000 bhat, which is nearing 60 quid. We were a little nervous at this point  and I remember having a sinking feeling and wishing I trusted myself more often, which seems to be the only reason I get myself into tricky situations sometimes, because my gut instinct is on point, yet I dont always feel to listen, which is ultimately the highest form of self betrayal. One thing I noted to myself there is that I will from now on listen to my body and take action if something doesn't feel right. We shot him the most sorry look I've ever seen and explained that it was not fair and that he didn't tell us from the start that he expected us to empty our wallets, and also that we offered him money multiple times which he refused and told us '' Its okay, I just want to help you''. When he heard this, he agreed which I found bizarre and they drove off into the dark,it was my second experience being scammed in Thailand and thanks to my instinct along the way, I can say I saw this one coming. After that moment we felt so exhausted we pitched our tent in the middle of a parking lot, a beautiful one though, by the sea and surrounded by enormous, ridged palm trees that held out their long, green arms to us throughout the night.  

Waking up was "complicated'' as Mathilde likes to put it, we both have a hard time coming to earth when we open our eyes, and that morning was boiling and there was no shower nearby so we made do with 3 litre bottles of water and a bar of soap. We washed quickly behind a wall at the beach and felt pangs of fear whenever we heard someone because nudity is not accepted in Thailand and the last thing we would want to do is disrespect anyone, it was desperate times though, sorry.  Despite it being slightly uncomfortable, we beamed with light at thought of becoming more and more independent as the days went by, we didn't plan anything further than our route to the beginning highway, and everything was working in our favour to get us to our destination. This is what amazed me the most, is the amount of trust I was able to have that I was being looked after somehow and that I could have more autonomy over my decisions and whereabouts, I knew this was possible, I'm just still figuring out how far you can go until you start becoming a complete outcast. Being an outcast isn't in my plans but sometimes I look around me and realise that although I hit the road and didn't look back to my hometown, I'm still very much integrated into modern day society and all its glory, and its obscurity.

There is a more I could write about my journey here, but what really struck me was the feeling. Meeting a wonderful being a long the way is the real blessing. She is someone that I can understand deeply and who understands me. This is worth more to me than gold because there has been so many moments of my journey that  i've become totally overwhelmed with a deep sense of frustration, isolation and emotional distress. This friendship has simultaneously opened and closed old wounds and lightly taken taken me on a path of of introspection whilst allowing me to flourish without the crippling fear of making mistakes. With this friendship I've found endless space to explore music, my quirks, I have learnt to drive, thrive and be the mover and shaker that I am. We have given each other confidence and something to believe in. We huddle over our ideas as if they are the beginning of a fire we are petrified to let slip away. With this friendship we have been able to co create and nurture things that we both believe in. It hasn't been simple, we've had to adapt quickly and efficiently, finding that even though its not always easy, there isn't another thing we would've rather done than open the space to  discover the possibilities that lay before us. It might sound like I am in love and in a way I am yes, in love with friendship, gathering and pure honesty to eachother. We don't sugarcoat around each other, no, we see each other fully and the fire just keeps growing within us. I won't deny there is potential to create a wildfire together, one that cannot be tamed but being over 25 I think we've got it under control. To be able to manifest and dream whilst being in the jungle is more than I could've hoped for. This island has been a trip, its offered me an abundance in energy and I am glad I came through and got stuck into it. I know I mentioned this before but, learning to drive a scooter has been a huge achievement for me, I always felt afraid, now I can't get away from the thing, I know why people say they love their bikes now. I LOVE MINE, it's a cute white Vespa style bike and it goes fast, too. I also conquered my stage fright here on the Island, the music scene is strong and you must have confidence to perform here, using my voice has been a rocky road, and I feel I've reached a turning point in my musical talent, I'm keen to see what I can do with it. These are things that I express gratitude to my friend for, she gave me the push I desperately needed to go full force on my ambitions and to no longer be afraid. 

I really want shed some light  on my  process of learning more about what comradery really means to me and how to keep these connections flourishing and creating enduring bonds.  Ones without judgments and full with platonic affection and trust. It's been really cool to know someone I can consider as a soul sister, someone I can show my fears and flaws and share my strengths and inner beauty with. I'd like to suggest that you pay attention when you meet somebody that lights up your soul, Even when they give you travel scabies. Don't take special people in your life for granted. It's a gift.