PRIVILEGE OR PRIDE?

The Pai river Jam flow has come to the end of it's cycle, and I couldn't have asked for a better closure, the crew we built over the past couple of months had a big celebration at Shambala festival in Chiang Dao, a few hours south from Pai. This festival is small, intimate and extremely conscious. The cleanliness was astounding, considering I've seen some proper gritty conditions at supposedly 'woke' spaces. Shambala was everything we needed to release and process our journey together. If anyone finds themselves in Chiang Dao next year, I really recommend dropping into this unique festival as it becomes a  creative hub only once a year. Over this time, we have created an unbreakable bond and we are all aware that we  will squiggle in different directions and are unlikely to be in the same country together for long, but when we lock eyes with each other there is an underlying sense of knowing, something only we can communicate to each other. There were many nights spent quietly and also loudly close to the fire and by communication through our eyes and through our actions, we unearthed a great familiarity and closeness between ourselves. We all came from different corners of our earth and were able to share a piece of our stories. There have of course  been challenges and  quick adaptation has been essential to the mini, temporary community we had created. Anas, Elea, Duncan, Rihanna, Zhorell, kevin, Esther, Kaya, Mathilde ,Jack ( disorder) Lea, Ido, Marius, Shai, Annelie, Jake 1 and Jake 2, Henry and Maya I will not forget the energy you put into creating the special place and moments that we shared during this time and even though all good times must come to an end, the entire process happened so naturally and beautifully, it almost hurt to say goodbye. My experience so far doing the classic backpacking has been great, I knew I could enjoy getting my hands dirty and living a gypsy life for a while but I remember the thought of living out of a backpack for extended periods of time started out as very daunting. This feeling has now passed and all I can feel is excitement and anticipation for the next chapter, I literally named my online bank pot for this trip "MOVIE FUNDS'", cringy I know. I've looked at this trip in a film sense, where each day has great potential to be an action scene, a drama, a scene i'll definitely cut because its boring, a looooove scene or some cheesy  chick flick. Sometimes I've felt grounded and wanted to stay in once location and create there, but the moment I have felt uninspired or have heard of a faraway paradise, I've packed up and left, which has been incredibly freeing movement to have. 

Now that the grace period of my trip has passed, I've begun to observe different travel styles and how most people I've met have all come here for the same reason, to learn, grow, experience, and live for less. This is the goal for so many, and it is proved to be a success in satisfying that gnawing feeling that we often experience in our daily regimes. It's made me realize we are all pretty much cookie cut outs of each other when it comes to what I mentioned above, but how we do it and what we take from it will all be tailor made to each of us individually. I've met people who like to wing every last moment and see what happens, riding the edge of life on a tricycle whilst juggling razor blades. and I've met some whose faces go red and start stammering at the idea of letting things happen naturally, pre booking everything down to the time they need to take a shit. Then you get the in betweeners who balance things quite nicely, those who truly take pleasure in the flow, but who always have a safety net to fall back on if if things go west. There is a wide variety of people who are on the move, and each of them have different motivations, be it the outdoor backpackers, the food and culinary enthusiasts, the religious tourists, the party animals, the business scopers, cultural tourists or just a plain old fugitives. 

I like meeting different people, but truly different people, after the third ''So how long are you travelling for?'' conversation of the day, my brain starts to glitch and I find myself hiding away in corner somewhere and avoiding eye contact. Repetitive conversation is something I've battled with generally so being away and constantly meeting new people had become tiring after the first couple of weeks. This was solved once I found my people that I could dive into the depths with.  Another thing I've dived into is crossing the road, literally. It had been a while since I'd been in countries where road rules are created on the minute yet everyone seems to have the same idea, overtaking = max congestion. I found myself standing at the pavement in Cambodia's capital, Phomn pen and noticing 15 minutes had passed and I was staring into space not realizing no one was ever going to stop for me. I watched a young guy step out all relaxed and walk straight into the mental traffic and my heart stopped for a moment until I saw all those cars, tuktuks and scooters stop a couple of feet away from him, from both directions. Thats when it all clicked and I realized all I needed to do was cross and wait for no one. Since then, it has been an adrenaline hit every single time, and I'm starting to quite enjoy having my life dangled in front of me (touch wood)  every time I need to reach the other side of the road. I'm thinking about applying this method to other areas of my life too, just cross that bridge, just walk with no looking back and wait for no one.

Crossing the road is just a small part though, there's been so many new sounds, new flavours and great sights to marvel at. It's been a transformative journey even though its been a mere 2 months, and I've opened up my heart and mind to new found possibility  in the life that I chose to live as Layla. It does however bring a lot of questions to my attention. I have consciously observed my behaviour along the way  and I have thought deeply about our society in the west and what transformation or awakening means to us. There seems to be a an ongoing "spiritual evolution" trend which I will admit I have become overwhelmed by a couple of times and fallen a little too far into. This craze is basically telling us that all we have to do to evolve and reach the top is to show gratitude every day, live a vegan lifestyle, use affirmations and show only positivity and light or in some cases  find duality and accept it. It's all about healing the pain and ridding the self of the ego. Don't misinterpret what I write, these are things that can help us advance sure, but we are already 100 steps ahead when we have clothes, roofs, healthy food ,pretty little vos water bottles and an echo chamber or people validating us on Instagram. 

I thought I was humble and awakened until I stepped into a street market in Phomn Pen and heaved so strongly at the smell I found the nearest hotel I could and hid at the rooftop for a couple of hours like a coward. I thought I was humble until I realized because of laziness I was booking cabs  everywhere in bangkok because its cheap to me and I'm too lazy to spend time figuring out the public transport so in turn, I'm learning nothing and stepping back into my comfort. I came on this trip to be challenged and learn what it is to live with less, to strip myself of  excess desire and so far I've succeeded at having less belongings but I still find myself turning to my safety net every now and then. I might think I'm budgeting and living a rough around the edges life here, but to local sellers or tuk tuk drivers, I'm just another rich kid from the west. Now I thought I came from simple  beginnings, and I thought I worked hard too , starting work at 15 and coming from a hospitality work background, my body had always been tied to the venue, which at times had given me extreme anxiety and a strong need to run as fast as I can and never look back. On the other hand though, working those extra hours opened the doors for me to do as I very well please for half a year, but for some people that's not the case. I am not trapped by weak currency, or family duties, or children, cultural and religious pressures, debt and sheer bad luck.

It's really opened my eyes to the reality surrounding the little bubble I've been living in, that's not say I have been ignorant all the time, yet sometimes I find myself going off into la la land and forgetting that there is a lot of work to do on this earth and that its not all fun and games out here. There's a lot of hear say about what we should do in order to free ourselves and live great fulfilled lives, I'm just unsure of who all this advice is directed at, there is so many people in the world,  some smile away and skip through  daisy fields, while some scream with hunger and sleep in the mud. This leaves me feeling a little guilty and unsure of how to proceed going forwards, there's a lot questions that buzz my brain throughout the day but there is one that's really stuck around. 

 Is personal development and freedom of the soul a choice, or a privilege?

 ice cream sellerKoh ta kiev, cambodia

Orphanage in Pai, thailand